1. It's OK to feel
Getting engaged is an amazing feeling, but once the initial thrill of the "I SAID YES" Facebook likes wears off, planning a wedding can feel pretty overwhelming.
There's a huge amount of pressure for everything to go perfectly, and if you're anxious you'll probably feel that pressure even more intensely.
When I started planning my wedding I felt as enthusiastic as anyone else. But very soon afterwards I started to feel stressed and had that familiar "Argh, I have no idea what I'm doing" feeling, made worse by the fact I felt guilty for not feeling happier.
Think of how complicated just getting to work on time can be if you're anxious or depressed. You're bound to feel stressed about such a major life event, but it does not mean you're a terrible bride. Be kind to yourself, and try not to feel bad.
You might feel pressure to set a date immediately or throw yourself into the deep end looking for venues and making a Pinterest board full of bouquet ideas.
In fact, you probably will want to do those things, but it's equally important to give yourself plenty of time to plan. Think of how much you can manage to do when you don't feel great, and factor that in. You might not always feel super keen to do wedding stuff, and that's OK if you have time.
Even with a year and a half of lead-in time, I ended up scrambling around in a panic for most of the final eight months. A lot of service providers need a lot of notice, and every day seemed to involve a new (stressful) decision.
Chat with your partner, reflect on what it is you both want, but more importantly how much you feel you can realistically deal with. Be a good friend to yourself, and don't put yourself under any extra stress or pressure if you can avoid it.
2. You're not a bad person if you hate the planning process.
It's not just the detail: Suddenly needing to have an opinion on everything can really start to make you feel cross and overwhelmed.
You're probably someone who usually likes to plan. After all, planning ahead is second nature to anxious people. But being put on the spot or bombarded with questions is very different: It can send you into a bit of a spin.
If you start to get cold sweats when looking at floral displays and potential dresses (as I did) then get your mum, dad, maid of honour, partner, or just a random stranger from the internet on board and get them to give you suggestions or opinions.
Repeat this to yourself at all times: "I'm not a terrible bride if I don't love this process." There's no legal requirement to have a wedding countdown clock on your desktop or spend hours adding floral crowns to a Pinterest board.
Trust me: The life you're going to have with your partner is going to be way more memorable and important than the colour scheme you end up picking.
If you see deadlines looming but freeze up and find yourself unable to meet them, don't suffer in silence. Turn to a friend and say: "Remember when you asked if there was anything you could do to help? The answer is a thousand time yes."
Around the same time I met up with a friend who is a,) super organised and b)
When it comes to weddings, other people genuinely want to be there for you. Call them and you'll instantly feel better. And if you're reading this thinking "Hang on, my anxious friend is getting married", give them a call and ask how you can help.
3. Take time to reassure your partner.
It's a good idea to make it clear that freaking out about the wedding does not mean you're not super happy about getting married. It's just the same old crap you've had to deal with for years being magnified by the wedding stress.
You're both going to feel a bit weird at times – it's a big deal, and you'll inevitably have rows about who to invite and a million and one other things – but let your partner know that it doesn't mean your relationship isn't 100% solid.
If you do feel bad, put your hand up and say: "I'm stressing like a mofo, but please remember that doesn't mean I don't love you. I would, however, really love a cup of tea/ pint of wine right about now" (delete as applicable).
4. It's fine to be selfish and put yourself first.
You're going to feel pretty delicate the week before the wedding, even if you've been careful and looked after yourself.
You'll want to be nice, you'll want to say yes to requests to pick people up from the airport, or answer endless questions from people who didn't read the details on the invitation. Maybe people are used to you being accommodating. But this is your wedding. It's OK to say no or to let the phone ring out.
Add extra protection between you and your dearly loved (and pain-in-the-ass) friends: Appoint a gatekeeper. It could be a mum, one of the wedding party, or a good friend. Hand out their number and let people bother them. They can deal with weird requests, only coming to you with important stuff.
Don't feel bad about it either. People don't actually want to bother the couple in the run-up to a wedding, but they do need answers to questions. By appointing a gatekeeper, it makes it easier for them and means you can focus on feeling calm.
5. Don't be afraid to let things go.
You might feel the only way for things to go "perfectly" on the wedding day is if you keep a close eye on all of it, but that's actually the best possible way to utterly exhaust yourself, which can make anxiety worse.
If your partner has absolutely no opinion on flowers, colours, and a million and one other things, turn to your friends instead. If they offer to help, let them. If the bridesmaids say they can research things for you, turn that over to them.
Learn to tell the little things about the big things. What bags your bridesmaids carry? A little thing. What the person who's conducting the ceremony is going to say about your relationship? A pretty big thing.
Focus on dealing with the big things and try to break the habit of a lifetime by delegating the minor points to your partner, friends, and family. You have great judgment and they do too.
Anxious people worry about the fact they're worrying. That's what we do, to the extent that we can actually convince ourselves of almost anything.
When you do freak out about the wedding for entirely natural reasons, there's a chance you'll also think: "OMG, is these cold feet? Should I be marrying him (or her)?"
Thankfully it only happened to me once. After yet another freak-out about nothing (and bear in mind I regularly freak out because I don't know what to order in Starbucks) I thought: "What if this is a bad sign?" Then I told myself off for being silly.
It wasn't, the wedding was awesome, and I couldn't be happier now, but it's just another example of your brain trying to throw a spanner in the works. It doesn't help that online forums are full of people saying things like: "If you're having any doubts about any part of the wedding process, no matter how minor: GET OUT NOW."
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